I wish I only lived at night.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
