are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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