sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
