Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
