All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
