....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
