you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
