There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
