You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My bed smells like the plague
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
