I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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