You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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