Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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