Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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