I hate your face
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
