he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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