if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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