dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
