4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
