I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
