I think I won the penis lottery.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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