instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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