I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
