Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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