you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
