one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
