capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
