Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize