I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Hippo gnu deer
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
