I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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