you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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