i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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