we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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