i love accidental penises.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
