i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
