you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
