So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
