I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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