I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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