shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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