Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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