Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The beer is more important than you right now.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize