dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
