I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
