I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
