whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
