Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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