Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize