I'm going to rape someone's good day.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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