see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize