Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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