You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
