I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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