It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
