Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
