my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
