Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
