god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
