please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
