even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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