She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Sorry about my life...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
